Diframe the inner child - Essay
Vision of the Inner Child
Once I was a child.
I loved being a little girl, experiencing life with no filters.
Things didn’t come to me as intellectual theory.
They simply passed through my eyes and swept through my body.
I knew when a storm was coming up.
I could feel the invisible weight in the air.
I could tell when you wouldn´t call back.
I loved to take things personally. Everything was so intense to me.
The way I drank water. The way I walked down the street.
The way I was disappointed when I was losing.
I was connected to everything, to everybody. I was born like that.
I felt courageous, strong and beautiful.
This feeling made me better, present, loveable.
Oh, I knew when a coconut was about to fall.
I knew that my father could not understand me.
I knew that one kiss from a boy could make me crumble.
I knew that I could imagine a world and make it come true.
I was born an emotional creature.
I loved to feel the feelings inside of you.
Then I grew up.
People told me “Don’t be a little girl anymore.”
I didn’t want to be a little girl any more.
I ignored the little girl in me.
It was time to be strong.
But what did I gain?
A thick skin?
I understood I didn´t have to take things personally – right?
I suppressed feelings when I had them.
I pretended to know when I didn’t know things.
I said I was secure when I was insecure
I denied being a mess when I was a mess
Obviously, what I did to myself I also did to others.
I always heard:
A woman is not a little girl!
A man is not a little girl!
A leader is not a little girl!
Suppressing the little girl means NOT feeling what’s going on.
It means not feeling responsible for mass poverty, genocide or the destruction of the earth.
I dreamed of flying, but instead I grew up and broke that little girl.
I decided to step away and go and live on a sunny island.
I was hoping to lose all the baggage I’d been collecting for years and carrying with me.
And once in the sun, this burden disappeared.
But only for a little while.
For when I came home after 8 months, I realised I had the same baggage. It never left.
I just didn’t see it. The sun overhead had erased its shadow.
But again, only for a little while.
Understanding that it does not make sense to run away, I shifted gears.
I listened to people who were suffer through no choice of their own.
I worked in Sarajevo. And found the real meaning of trauma.
Victims of the Bosnian War.
My short film Sara takes place there.
Then I interviewed former ‘lost German children’. Foster kids who were raped, abused, beaten in homes after the war.
I was shocked by what humans are capable of. What they did to children.
All this encouraged me to step out of the shadow that others created.
To stay humble, and low to the floor.
The same people made me feel guilty for being too smart.
No longer did I want to violate myself and become like “them.”
No longer did I need to please them.
I want to learn, activate, confront, differentiate.
I want to create.
Life is no longer about pleasing other people.
So I started to embrace that little girl in me.
I cared about that little girl again.
I felt that little girl in me again.
I looked in the mirror and recognised her.
We have to value the boy, the girl in us.
To value that part that cries.
The part that feels.
The part that is emotional.
The point of vulnerability.
That is the hope of our future.
I am still an emotional creature, no matter what people say.
I want you to imagine, that this knowledge is in all of us.
The little girl or boy we have in us is like a chip implanted in us.
And within this chip lies the cosmos, the collective consciousness, balance, wisdom and greatness.
This chip is intrinsic. It is emotion. It is central to our evolution, and the continuation of the human race.
© by Basia Baumann